singing into the void

I'm resuming this blog, but I'm not going to inform its former readership (a few people at best) that I've resumed it, which means that in all likelihood, no one will read this.  I kind of dig it that way, because all I really want is an everywhere-accessible journal, no audience required.  But since the gestalt of our current world seems to be such that even one's semi-private ramblings are meant to be tacked up for display in some remote corner of the public space, I'll do my part and toss this out there.  

I think I have an ulcer.  Or maybe colon cancer.  My stomach does funny things on and off, and I really need to get it checked out.  I should make a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.  And I should do the dishes.  Those can be my two productive things before I go to work.  

Or I could never, ever get out of bed again, and that could work out okay too.  I feel like there's cement in my chest.  Is that possible?  why am i writing properly if no one is reading?  

jobs, himalayan food, death, babies, and boobies

Well, the new posts on this blog continue to be sparse, despite my intentions otherwise. Maybe if I just resign myself to the rarity of my entries, the nagging pressure will go away and I'll be more inclined to post more often. Or maybe I won't, but I just won't care.

The new semester is going well at work, and along with all my kids from last semester, I have a new student who is bright and reasonably motivated. I like her a lot, probably in part because she is an 8th waver (freshman) and therefore not yet jaded and crabby (which is not to say that I hold it against my 6th wavers--i.e. seniors--for being jaded and crabby; I certainly acted that way when I was a senior).

Last weekend DWE was finally back in town, and we had a great time. Friday night he picked me up from work, and we went to Albany, which is just northwest of Berkeley. We walked all around the downtown area, then ate at a really good Nepalese restaurant. The thing I had was sort of like a yellow curry and it rocked my world. On our way home from dinner, we spontaneously decided to drive to Bakersfield the next morning. DWE got to meet my brother, sister-in-law, and step-mom, and everyone seemed to like everyone else. And DWE got to see how I'm the loudest, most obnoxious person in my family and how they all make fun of me. And he endeared himself further to my mother by being enthusiastic about playing with Emma (who, I should note, really is a bit calmer and better behaved than her predecessor, Hannah, who is the dog that some of you may have met).

This past Tuesday and/or Thursday was the anniversary of my dad's death (Tuesday if you go by two years to the day, Thursday if you go by date). I didn't end up doing much on either day, even though DWE made an effort to be home on Tuesday night. It was sad, and maybe a bit harder than last year, but it was also nice to spend time thinking about him and telling DWE stories about him. It's kind of amazing that it has been two years already, and it's good to remind myself that I can be sad sometimes but that life still goes happily on.

I guess my semi-big news for the moment is that DWE is planning to quit his job. The reasons why are complex, but can be most easily be summarized as "he is unhappy and frustrated for a variety of reasons, and he thinks that his talents can be of more use somewhere else." (This is more or less how he would summarize the reasons; my summary would be more along the lines of "his boss is a weaselly, smarmy little dick who doesn't deserve all the time and energy that DWE gives him.") The reason that this is big news in my life is that it is entirely possible, if not fairly likely, that DWE will find a new job that is not in the bay area, and if he relocates, so will I (although not before June, when my obligation to my current job ends). It could end up being a big step for us, though, because I told him I wouldn't move unless we are engaged (yes, I'm demanding, but hey, a girl's got to be practical).

I mentioned in my last post that I didn't get to see AK when I was in Oregon because she was poppin' out a baby, so I will close this post with a funny story and a cute picture. AK sent out pictures of her new daughter, KK, but somehow they didn't get sent to me even though they were supposed to. So she wrote to me last week to say hi and see how I liked the "nipple shot." Apparently, when she mass-emailed pictures of her and the baby (and her hubby and her older daughter G, who is looking so grown up and adorable that I can't even stand it) from the hospital, she accidentally sent one where her nipple is hanging out of her hospital gown. She forwarded them to me, and it's pretty hilarious, but lieu of posting her booby on the internet, I will just show you how cute newborn little K is.

lucky number 2008

As you may know, New Year's Eve/Day is my favorite holiday. This year I was up in Portland for the occasion, and for the most part I had a delightfully good time, especially at the two awesome parties that AB and IB so graciously threw. It was great to see everyone (except AK, whom I didn't get to see because she was busy giving birth to her second child...what a lame excuse...), especially B, who came all the way from Seattle. It was also cool that DWE was there, and I think he had a good time hanging out with my posse.

Rebel and B being adorable at AB and IB's "grown up" party.

The view of the Hawthorne Bridge from our hotel room on New Year's Eve.

DWE and I just prior to going out on New Year's Eve.

And yet, despite the fun I had, despite the generally hopeful feeling I get around the start of a new year, and despite the fact that 8 is my lucky number, I'm feeling uneasy about 2008. I want to make resolutions, but I feel cynical and doubtful about my ability to change. I'm frustrated because I've had a cold for almost three weeks now, and I'm tired and run down, and I know I would probably be well by now if I took better care of myself. I feel a lot of uncertainty about the future, but I'm having a difficult time framing that uncertainty as a positive thing.

Anyway, I'm still pondering the resolutions, but I think I've decided on one for sure, which is to drink less alcohol. It isn't that I drink so incredibly much now, but I drink more than I should, and sometimes when I start drinking I have a hard time moderating myself (such as on New Year's Eve). I don't like it when parts of the evening are blurry, or when I get obnoxious, or when I'm all hung over the next day. And alcohol is expensive, and I think one of my other resolutions is going to have to do with fiscal responsibility.

So I guess I am going to make resolutions, even if I feel sort of cynical about it. Maybe I'll feel better once this damn cold is gone.

merry christmas!

I know it seems like I only blog on major holidays now, but it's just been one of those months.

Have you missed me? Of course you have. Let's not make a big scene.

There's not much to say to catch you up since Thanksgiving. I spent a few more weeks feeling pretty depressed, which made things with DWE kind of difficult, and which largely explains the lack of blogging (or doing much else besides going to work and moping around feeling sorry for myself). I'm feeling much better mentally, but now I have a cold. It was actually kind of funny, because I often used to get sick during finals week, and now I'm getting sick during my students' finals.

Speaking of my students, I ended the semester feeling pretty good about how my classes are going with most of them, and also looking forward to how I can be a better teacher next semester. There are a few frustrating situations (like the student that I've had to re-teach negative exponents to at every class for the last three weeks), but in general I feel happy about how work is going.

I've been in Bakersfield for Christmas, which is lovely as usual. My great aunt is staying with us this year, which is especially cool. I got a new digital camera (to replace the one that got stolen in Ghana) for Christmas, so now I really have no excuse for not posting pictures. Here's one of most of my extended family on my mom's side:



My mom and I are on the far right, with my brother and my sister-in-law next to us, and my great aunt next to them, and my uncle behind her. The other four people are my mom's cousin, her daughter, her daughter's husband, and their newborn.

(happy thanksgiving)

Well, I had a lovely Thanksgiving day with the fam here in Bakersfield. I saw the Rockettes in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, we played Scrabble, we played badmiton (which I suck at, in case anyone was wondering), we watched football, we ate Chex mix, and my mother made four pies (if you're counting, that's one pie per person...she didn't want anyone to be disappointed by not getting exactly what they wanted).

And yet, I feel a bit blue. I'm a little stressed out about money (the holidays = unpaid time off), I still don't know what to do with my professional life (I love my job, but it isn't a career), and I miss DWE too much (by which I mean he's been gone as much as usual, if not less than usual, and for some reason it's harder than it used to be). I have some vague sense that the free time and the independence that I have when he's gone is really a blessing, but I'm struggling to figure out precisely what it is that I want to do with my time (other than watch Law and Order reruns, which I finally stopped doing a half an hour ago).

I suppose what I should do right now is go to bed, since my mother and I are going to make some attempt to hit the sales at Target tomorrow (but probably not until 9 a.m. or so...we don't do that whole nutty 4 a.m. thing). I just finished transfering all the music on my ipod to my new computer, which was a small but satisfying accomplishment (that wasn't really apropos of anything; I just thought I'd mention it because I am mildly pleased with myself).

(Is this post heavy on the parentheticals or what?)

the most dangerous cities in america

A controversial study was recently published by CQ Press which purports to rank American cities by crime rates. Apparently, the study has been attacked as "an irresponsible misuse of crime data," a criticism upon which I am entirely unprepared to comment. All I can say is that, according to this study, my current hometown of Oakland, California is the fourth most dangerous city in America, and Richmond, California (the much smaller city where I work) is the ninth most dangerous.

Needless to say, my mother is very proud.

I'm not even a little bit surprised by either of these rankings. Oakland, like any city, has its sketchy parts, and they are truly quite sketchy. I, however, live in one of the safest and most gentrified parts of Oakland, and not a second should be wasted worrying about my safety in good ol' Rockridge. As for Richmond: yep, there's quite a bit of violence (hence the need to help the kids avoid all the violence and go to college instead). Most of the shootings are north of the BART station, while I work just south of the BART station, and I never walk by myself after dark. Also, there's been a very admirable community effort to stymie the violence through grassroots organization (there's this thing called "Tent City" which is sort of an intense version of a neighborhood watch, and which is apparently working pretty well).

I know it's kind of silly, but I'm almost a little proud that I live and work in the only two Californian cities to make the top ten on the dangerousness list. It isn't that I want to be in danger; it's more that I recognize that danger is out there, and I'm glad to be aware of it and acting in some very minor way to combat it (I figure that any time I spend in Oakland or Richmond during which I don't commit a crime is decent progress).

lonely and politically ambiguous

I've been contemplating my social life (or lackthereof) this evening. I have friends here, but I rarely see them, partly because I don't make the effort to contact them. To some extent, I have been busy with DWE and with out-of-town visitors (last night my stepmom and her friend were in town, and last weekend Muffin was here), but I've also just been antisocial and moody. And of course, since I get home from work at 9 p.m. Monday through Thursday, my socializing is generally limited to just weekends. So, I wish I had something to do tonight, but I suppose it's largely my own fault that I don't.

Instead of being social, I'm sort of goofing off and sort of trying to clean a little (after being inspired by Rebel's bout of weekend cleaning). I just took a sort of interesting but sort of dumb quiz at The Political Compass that is designed to situate people on a political spectrum with two dimensions (social and economic), the theory being that it is more insightful than the traditional single-dimension left-to-right spectrum. I agree wholeheartedly with the concept, because socially, I consider myself highly liberal, but economically, I'm moderate-to-conservative. It's why I'm hesitant to classify myself as a Democrat (but I do anyway, more or less). Anyway, after taking the website's quiz, here's where I'm supposedly situated on the compass:

The Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: -2.75
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.00

Obviously I expected to land closer to the "Libertarian" end of the Social spectrum than the "Authoritarian" end. I'm certainly not a Libertarian (as an overall ideology, I think it's pretty dumb), but I support legalized marijuana and abortion, I oppose the death penalty, I am concerned by anti-terror curbing of civil liberties, etc. But I really don't consider myself to be as economically "lefty" as the quiz is telling me that I am. The reason for the discrepancy brings me to why I think the quiz was kind of stupid: some of the questions had (in my opinion) flawed premises and therefore elicited very misleading answers from me. For example: "The only social responsibility of a company should be to deliver a profit to its shareholders." Well, in theory, I strongly agree with this statement. Companies aren't designed to make the world a better place, and that's not what they exist for. They exist to make profits, and that is what they should do. But what of the environment, the downsized employees, etc? Well, the environmental costs of what the company does should be paid by the business along with all of its other costs through very carefully designed regulatory systems. That way, the business only polutes to the extent that it is profitable to do so (keeping in mind that it's probably not profitable to pollute very much, because pollution is very expensive when you have to pay for all of its consequences). Companies should support the employees that they lay off by paying high taxes that ensure that the government can afford really good public health care, retraining programs, etc.

My point is, I don't think it is the responsibility of a company to be anything other than a ruthless little profit machine. I think it is the responsibility of government, not business, to protect its people and its environment. Business should merely be made to pay their fair share in order to help the government do all this (after all, government is gracious enough to support the legal and property rights that businesses rely on).

So in retrospect, I should have answered that question with a "strongly agree", but instead I said "disagree" because I don't think that business should be given the latitude to tromp all over people and the environment, and I feel like that's what the question was implicitly asking. But maybe I was overthinking the whole thing. But this also brings me to the point that my actual view involves a pretty powerful federal government that collects a lot of taxes and does a lot of stuff, which should probably scoot me a bit closer to the "Authoritarian" end of things.

Yeah, so, did I mention how bored I am?

math woes

I cried at work today. Okay, I'm lying. But I did cry, very briefly, in the parking lot of the Bank of the West which is between work and the 7-11 where I get my Dr. Pepper fix. I was crying because one of my students got an F on the test he took today, and which I helped him prepare for yesterday.

This is hardly the first time since I started teaching that one of my students has failed a test, and I knew that he was really struggling with the material, but for some reason I just found it particularly devastating. Obviously I can't control the grades my students get, but I do feel responsible, partly because I don't know if I am doing a very good job teaching this particular student. He is in Pre-Calculus, a subject which I neither enjoy nor excel at. I don't know how to make it interesting to him, because I don't find it interesting. His class moves very quickly, and is very challenging, so I don't have time to linger over underlying concepts or to review the stuff he should have learned in Algebra 2 (apparently his Algebra 2 class last year was kind of a mess, so his foundation in terms of understanding functions and graphing is really weak). As a result, there's a lot that he doesn't understand, and therefore much of what he knows how to do he knows by rote rather than through actual comprehension. That's the way I learned math in high school (I think that's probably how most students learn it), and it contributed to both my lack of success and my hatred of the subject.

The upside is that my feelings of failure are motivating me to seek out and embrace my inner Pre-Calculus Goddess. I plan on taking a copy of his textbook home with me over Thanksgiving break so that I can immerse myself in the next few chapters, both to understand it in a less superficial way and to figure out what is interesting and cool about it. I'm hoping that my brother will be helpful in this endeavor (although I have a sneaking suspicion that he hated Pre-Calc too...it's kind of a stupid class because it's a hodge-podge of semi-difficult concepts that are sort of helpful to know before Calculus, but it has no unifying theme the way that, say, Calculus or Geometry do). Anyway, maybe I'll be a better Pre-Calculus teacher after Thanksgiving.

One bright spot at the end of the day was that I taught a class for one of my coworker's students. The coworker is Mr. W, who is probably my closest work buddy, and who sits across from me. Our desks face each other, so pretty much all of his students know who I am (and I know them). The particular student I taught today is this really funny, outgoing sophomore, and she absolutely cracked me up for the whole hour I was with her. We were learning about the different methods for proving triangle congruence, which involve combinations of angles and sides. So if you know that two triangles have two pairs of congruent sides and one pair of congruent angles between those sides, then you know that they are congruent using the "side-angle-side" method of congruence, referred to as "SAS". But this student says "Saaaassss!" in this really funny voice, and for SSS congruence, she says "Sssssssssss!" And then in the middle of class she was like, "Do you want to scratch my ear?" I said, "Um, no, not really. Did you want me to scratch it?" "No, I just wanted to check." It's good that she's not usually my student, because I have a hard time keeping her focused (because I have a hard time staying focused, because I just want to sit around and gab with her and let her crack me up).

Well, there's discouragement in every job, and at least if I feel like a failure with one student, there's always another one that I feel like I'm doing great with.

drunk posting

helloooooo! hi. i'm at home with dwe right now. we went out for dinner and beers with his boss and one of his other coworkers (it was basically a business meeting that they let me tag along to...dwe feels bad because he's convinced it was really boring for me...it wasn't that boring, but i'll let him think it was because i can score points that way...). after that, we went at got a drink at the conga lounge, which is this tiki bar a few blocks from my place. i would have liked to stay longer, but someone was tired and wanted to go home. so now i'm being kind of a punk to him, because i'm kind of annoyed. he's watching the end of a football game on his computer, and i'm blogging on my computer. we're pretty lame (but also cute because our computers match).

muffin is coming to the bay area tomorrow! i'm so excited because he'll get to meet dwe, and because he gets to see my new apartment and stuff. and also i haven't seen him in a few months, so it's exciting.

dwe is trying to play footsy with me now. i think he's tryingto figure out if i'm annoyed. we're listening to bruce springsteen. i LOVE bruce springsteen.

anyway, i'm being silly. later dudes.

math trick and the return of the internet

Just when I was about to cave in and pay for internet, the mysterious unsecured network reappeared. Yay! Assuming that it sticks around, I'm going to do my best to get far more prolific on your asses, so stay tuned!

In the mean time, let's do a fun math trick, shall we? First, grab a calculator, or pull up the one on your computer. Now punch in the first three digits of your phone number (not the area code). Complete the following operations, making sure to hit "enter" or the equal sign after each one:

multiply the first three digits of your number by 80
add 1 to the answer
multiply the answer by 250
add the last four digits of your phone number to the answer
add the last four digits of your phone number to the answer again
subtract 250 from the answer
divide the answer by 2

Recognize the number you got? Pretty cool, huh? I did this with one of my students, and she told me it was "hecka tight." Anyway, here's why it works:

Let x=the first 3 digits and y=the last four. Based on the instructions, we get:

[(80x+1)*250 + y + y -250]/2

Does everyone remember how to simplify an expression? We have to distribute the 250 into the 80x + 1, giving us 250*80x + 250*1 = 20,000x + 250. We also know that y + y = 2y, so we end up with:

(20,000x + 250 + 2y - 250)/2

The 250s cancel out, and then we divide by two, giving us:

10,000x + y

If you multiply, say, 123 by 10,000 you get 1230000. Obviously, if you add 4567 to that, you get 1234567.

Yeah, I know. That's five minutes of your life that you'll never get back. Sorry.

But look, here's baby M (practically toddler M now!), all adorable when I went up to Portland to visit:

not so much with the internet again

I'm not really sure why I thought that stealing a weak, unsecured wireless signal was a permanent solution to my internet needs. 'Cause guess what? It wasn't. The signal, alas, has gone away, so I've been sans internet at my apartment again for more than a week. Hence no blog updates.

Right now I'm at Shine Laundromat, my local laundry joint, which has free Wi-Fi. I'm wondering how long I can get away with being here. My laundry is probably ready to go in the dryer, but I'm going to wait a little longer before I check, I think.

So, what's new in my world? Not much, I guess. I'm still really enjoying my job, and becoming more and more attached to my students and there math successes (or lack thereof: I spent all of Thursday night in a funk because one of my 6th Wavers got a D on a quiz). (By the way, "6th Waver" just means he's a senior, and that he's in the 6th cohort of students to go through the Making Waves program.) One of my 7th Wavers just got an A on a quiz though, which is a big deal because she has some major test anxiety issues.

DWE and I went to The City on Halloween to go to a party that one of my coworkers had. It was fun and pretty mellow, which was what I was in the mood for (as opposed to being in the mood to get wasted and flash my boob). We dressed up as vikings, which involved viking helmets, swords made out of cardboard, foil, and duct tape, and capes made out of twin-size sheets. So yeah, it was kind of lame, but at least we dressed up.

Other than Halloween and the safety meeting* last weekend, I've been pretty antisocial lately. I haven't seen my USF buds in ages (even E I haven't seen for at least two weeks, now that he has his own place). I also haven't seen S in close to two months now (although things between us are cool again). It's hard to socialize on a weeknight when I get off work at 9, and I was out of town two weekends in a row. DWE was around more than usual as well, although that was mostly on weekdays. Anyway, the point is that I should really try to get together with some people sometime this weekend, or I'm not going to have any friends left anywhere in the Bay Area.

Okay, it must be time to switch my laundry now. I'm going to suck it up and start paying for some sort of internet, so hopefully I'll be back to my regularly scheduled blogging soon.

emma the freakshow

One of the highlights of a trip to Bakersfield is getting to see my mother's dog Emma. She is as adorable and slightly ill-behaved as always. This afternoon my mother was spreading grass seed on the lawns in the backyard using this cool wheelbarrow thing that spews the seeds out the bottom in a circular motion. For reasons that are totally unclear to all of us, Emma loves these grass seeds. She sticks her nose right in the wheelbarrow and eats as much of it as she can until we stop her. Then when we start spreading the seeds, she runs along the side of the spreader and tries to catch the seeds in her mouth.

why i haven't posted pictures recently

Rebel claims that she's boycotting my blog until I post pictures of my "new" apartment (of course, she also claims that when we lived together I used to sit around in nothing but my bath towel for hours on end, and clearly I would never do something like that, so do we really believe her?). In an effort to woo her back, I just took a bunch of pictures of my apartment using my sister-in-law's camera, which is the only camera that I currently possess (my old one was stolen in Ghana, as you may recall). I realized just now that my dear sis did not give me the cord that hooks the camera to the computer, so I can't upload the pictures. Sorry Rebel. I tried. (And I can post pictures this weekend when I go home to Bakersfield.)

I have the mood lighting going on in my apartment right now, which means a "fire" (aka Duraflame log) in the fireplace and all the candles lit. Candle and fire light are neat when you have wood floors, because the floors are shiny and reflect the flickering light. This is the first time I've ever had wood floors, and the first time I've ever had a fireplace (excluding the house I grew up in, which always had a fireplace, and has had a few rooms with wood floors since I was in college). This is also the first apartment I've had with a bay window, which is noteworthy because bay windows were one of those things that I always wanted when I was a kid.

Anyway, I'll post pictures of all of these things as soon as I can.

airport

I'm early for my 11:15 flight back to Oakland, so I'm taking advantage of PDX's free wi-fi. It's weird that I'm going to be at work in a few hours. I'm debating whether or not to drop my bag off at home or to go straight to work from the airport. I suppose I'll see how long it takes me to get to the MacArthur BART station (that's where I would transfer to the Pittsburg/Bay Point line, which goes to Rockridge) and decide then whether I have enough time to go home. Technically as long as I get to work by a little before four I'll be fine, but I'd prefer to be there by three at the latest (which shouldn't be a big problem because my flight lands at 12:55 and I'm not checking any luggage).

I had a great time in Portland this weekend, and although DWE couldn't make it back up here, he is coming back to the Bay today (in fact, his flight may be coming into Oakland around the same time mine is). I'm getting kind of spoiled with him being home so much (and when he's not home I just jaunt off on a fun trip, of course).

When I started this blog entry it seemed like maybe I had something interesting to say, but apparently not. I guess I should go get in the security line.

new computer

I finally got a new computer. Yay! It is an HP laptop, and it's shiny and black and silver.

The reason I bought it today (other than the fact that I really needed it) is that I am in Portland right now. I decided on Thursday to take a spontaneous trip up here, and I found a really cheap ticket, so I got on a flight on Friday afternoon. The weather here is absolutely gorgeous, and of course it's wonderful to see my friends. (I also came up here to try to take care of DWE, who has been really sick, but he had one of his many work emergencies and had to go to D.C. at the last minute.)

Anyway, there's no sales tax in Oregon, so I saved about $50 on my $600 laptop.

I'm being antisocial, so no more blogging for now, but hopefully I will be back to posting regularly.

my sad little world without internet

So this whole thing where I don't have internet at my apartment is kind of a drag. When E was staying with me, I was able to use his computer to get online, and now DWE is here, and I'm using his. I don't want to get DSL because I don't want a phone line, but I don't think my apartment is hooked up for cable, either. And even if I did have internet, my computer keeps doing that thing where it randomly shuts down all the time, so it's only semi-usable at this point. Really what I need is a new computer, but it will take me a couple months to save up enough money. In the mean time, I check my email and pay bills and stuff at work, and I just neglect other things like reading peoples blogs or updating this one. Sorry about that.

DWE has been in town for a few days, and we are having a nice time together. Right now he is at the grocery store buying ingredients to make me french toast. Isn't he cute?

I had a good week at work, but I'm bummed out because I had to give up one of my students. Basically, students are put in MEP (Math Empowerment Program) because they are getting lower than a B- in their math class, or because there is some other reason to think that they need extra math support. One of my students is doing really well in Geometry, and she's really bright and sweet, and I love working with her. But since she is doing so well, and since it appears that she has the ability to continue to do well without my support, she doesn't actually need to be in an MEP class, so now she's not my student anymore. I'll miss her, and I'll miss the gratification of having at least one student that seemed to retain everything I taught her, but it's also kind of exciting to get a new student.

i have officially become one of those girls...

...who talks about her boyfriend constantly on her blog. (Are there girls that do that? I'm just assuming there are.) But today is our one year anniversary, so I felt the need to mention it. I don't really have much to say about it, though. Neither of us did anything nice for the other. He texted me earlier this evening to say happy anniversary and to say that he was thinking about me, and then he called a little while ago, but we didn't talk for long because he's still out with client-type people (although he did say he'd call me later).

Anyway, I guess it's kind of cool insofar as technically, this is the longest I've ever had a boyfriend (IB and I only made it 10 months or so by the official tally, but we did have sort of a quasi-relationship for a while after that). And this is certainly the most serious relationship I've ever been in, in terms of my level of commitment and my hopes for the future. It's easy to imagine finding someone else who would be, for lack of a better phrase, a "better boyfriend" (you know, someone who isn't gone all the time and isn't insanely busy and isn't terrified of commitment and emotions), but I find it increasingly impossible to imagine finding someone that I'd rather be with.

E is still staying with me, and right now he's teaching himself how to juggle. I'm often impatient with him (especially when I first get home from work and I'm tired and drained and don't want to deal with anything) so I'm trying to be tolerant of the constant sound of bean bags dropping to the floor. I might not last much longer.

I keep meaning to blog about work, but I have so much to say that it kind of feels overwhelming. Maybe this weekend I can set aside some time to do it, because my job is interesting, challenging, and fun, and I want to tell you all about it.

caution relationship deconstruction ahead

I'm on the fence about how appropriate it is to discuss the problems in my relationship with DWE on my blog, but as usual, I seem to be erring on the side of blabbermouthy-ness. It's not like I'm saying anything that I haven't said to him or wouldn't want him to read (he does occasionally look at this blog, so I guess he might read it).

Anyway, when I talked to him on Sunday afternoon, he said that he didn't want to call me when he woke up from his sleep on the couch because he didn't want to wake me up in case I was asleep (at midnight on a Saturday night, because apparently he thinks I'm as lame as he is), and also because he wanted to go straight to bed. I told him that I wasn't asleep, and that if I had been, I would not have been mad. And then I suggested that he consider the number of times that I'd gotten mad at him for calling and waking me up (none, although he's done it a few times in the morning) versus the number of times I've gotten mad at him for not calling (numerous, to say the least). In his defense, if he had called, it would probably not have been the 45-second conversation that he was hoping for, because I would have wanted to blab for at least 5 minutes or so. If he were a more conniving sort, he would call, experience the annoyance of not being able to get me off the phone for 5 or 10 minutes, and then throw that experience back in my face the next time I get mad at him for not calling before he goes to bed. But he's all reasonable and practical, and he doesn't want to prove a point or show that I'm wrong, he just wants to get some sleep.

So yeah, I was overreacting a bit. But it's also very true that the standards for him calling are different because he's gone so much. The phone calls average out to an amount of communication with which I am happy, because there are always a few nights a week like last night where we talk for a good hour or so. And if I imagine how I feel when he does call and wake me up in the morning (not mad, but not much like talking to him, either), it is slightly easier to understand how he could ever not feel like talking to me.

I guess the bottom line is that the logistics of what is essentially a semi-long-distance relationship are difficult, DWE is highly imperfect despite good intentions, and I seem to be particularly needy these days. And of course I should try not to lose sight of how wonderful he is and how hard he tries to make me happy. Nor should I lose sight of the fact that I have lots of wonderful and supportive friends who will tell me that I'm right (very true), that I'm kinda overreacting (also very true), and answer the phone when I call.

In other news, I actually managed to get up before 10 a.m. this morning. Maybe eventually I can have a real life in the mornings before I go to work. I guess coffee and a blog entry are a start.

unpacking and waiting by the phone

After several days without progress, I did quite a bit of apartment unpacking and setting up last night. The books are all on their shelves now (I'm missing a bunch, and I know some of them are in Bakersfield, but it seems to me that there's at least one whole box of them that should be around here somewhere but doesn't seem to be, which is troubling). My new microwave, which is shiny and red, had been sitting on the floor in the livingroom/bedroom because I lacked the proper extension cord and outlet adapter needed to put it in the kitchen. Having a microwave in the livingroom was fun, but ultimately also annoying, and it's now been moved to its permanent home on top of the refridgerator (I have no counter space, so I have to be creative, and luckily the fridge is kind of short). Note to Rebel: between the microwave and the TV, I officially no longer live like a pioneer. =(

I've also started to put up pictures and knick-knacks, which is perhaps the true indication that this is my new home. Dad's ashes are on the mantle, which is a tad cliched, I guess, but I'm just so excited to have a mantle that I can't help it. Speaking of the mantle, the fireplace has been great. I burn Duraflame logs (or the Pine Mountain brand or the Safeway brand), so there's no effort involved, and it's like instant atmosphere. DWE seemed to like it when he came over on Wednesday and Thursday.

Speaking of which, I'm contemplating the possibility that I'm kind of a lousy girlfriend. Maybe not lousy, but at least sort of unreasonable. He and I talked semi-briefly on the phone a couple of times yesterday, and the last time we talked I told him I'd call him that night. So I did, but he didn't answer. When it got to be 10:45, I called again, and left a message saying that he should call if he hadn't already gone to sleep, and if he had gone to sleep he should have called first. At about midnight I got a text from him saying that he'd fallen asleep on the couch and that he was going to bed, but that we'd talk tomorrow (i.e. today). So I tried calling him back, but of course he'd turned his phone off already. So instead I texted him and said that I appreciated that he sent the text, but that I didn't understand why he didn't call, and it hurts my feelings when he avoids me like that.

In retrospect, I may have been overreacting (and I left him a message to that effect this morning). But really, I don't like it when I've asked him to call and he texts instead. Essentially what he's saying is, "I want you to know that I didn't fall off the face of the earth, but I don't want to talk to you. I don't even want to talk to you long enough to say that I'm too tired to talk." And despite my concilatory voicemail, he hasn't called me back this morning, which is also very irritating to me. Am I just incredibly unreasonably needy? Calling is so little effort, and it obviously makes me very happy, so why can't he do it?

more moving

No pictures of the apartment yet, partly because I refuse to take pictures while it's still in partially-unpacked disarray, and partly because I just got my camera (well, my sister-in-law's camera that I'm borrowing) from S's place. But the good news is that everything I own, save for some miscellaneous items at my mom's house and the hanging clothes that I forgot to get out of DWE's closet, is now in my new place. I rented a car on Saturday and cleared the rest of my stuff out of my storage unit, then spent the rest of the weekend unpacking and getting things in order. Some observations:

1. The Ford Taurus, which I honestly believe that only rental car companies purchase any more, has the biggest trunk I have ever seen.

2. The laundromat in my neighborhood is really, really nice, especially in contrast to the one near my old apartment. Yes, you lose some charm (no Judge Judy playing on the circa 1983 TV and no sketchy people drinking tall cans of PBR in the corner), but you more than make up for it with cleanliness, plants, a working sink with soap and paper towels, and an actual laundromat employee.

3. High ceilings are awesome, unless you want to hang something from them and you're not very tall.

4. I'm not very tall.

5. My next-door neighbor, who also just moved in, is really cool. She is approximately my age, in her second year of law school, and spent a month this summer in Iraq working with abused women through an NGO. We helped each other move some stuff. I also made E (who is starting his new job today and is staying with me for a while) help her move a dresser, and now he seems a bit smitten with her. So cute.

6. Moving into and setting up an apartment seems much more time consuming when you have a job.

Despite the job, which is still going well, I think I will have everything perfect by the end of the week. And then I promise to take pictures.