Tuesday, September 19, 2006

blahness, city life, and the BMW cockroach

I've had one of those "can't get out of bed" days today, so I totally bailed on everyone and everything I had scheduled. I was supposed to go to campus and work on econometrics (note to Rebel: yes, the secret evil cult of econometrics) and talk about how to code our data. Then I was supposed to meet up with McDreamy and his roommate to play games at a cafe. I would have enjoyed all of those things (well, "enjoy" is a strong word to apply to econometrics, but I would have enjoyed E, M, and H's company, and I would have enjoyed getting something done), but I just felt totally inert all day. I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow, so that's good. It's not like I've been depressed in general lately; yesterday, for example, I had an interesting, productive, happy day. I tend to get a little blah on days where I don't have any obligations (i.e. no class) but that's why I try to make plans and schedule my time so that I don't just sit around my apartment and wallow in whatever. But I guess it doesn't work if the plans are ones that I've made with understanding friends who don't mind if I break them.

I didn't sleep well last night, so maybe I'm just tired. I did take a long nap this afternoon, which possibly just made matters worse, since it was 6:30 by the time I woke up so I felt all weird and groggy and will probably be up late again. I don't mean for this entry to be a big whine, but if I'd had a good day I'd probably be too tired to write, so you're stuck with this.

Someone just made sort of a howling noise out on the street below my window. It's been warmish here (the other day it hit 83 degrees! ooh, hot!), and it's warm up on my loft bed (I assume because heat rises) so I've got two of my windows open. Usually there's at least one open all the time because I like the cool air and I don't like the apartment to get stuffy. As a result, I hear all kinds of noises. I can tell when it's rush hour because I hear music from people's car stereos, which means that the cars are backed up nearly an entire block at the light on Gough and Fulton (Incidentally, I hear the most bizarre songs sometimes; I think someone was blasting a Huey Lewis song today). On the weekends, there's always drunk people yelling to their friends or otherwise being boisterous as they leave The Jade, which is the bar on the first floor of my building. Early in the morning a couple times a week the garbage or recycling truck pulls into the alley and makes all sorts of loud engine and beeping noises (generally I sleep through this because I'm used to it). There are sirens about once a day, and there are traffic noises all the time. When a big truck goes by, the building shakes, which actually comforts me, because I think it means that the building is retrofitted to be earthquake safe (i.e. to shake and sway, rather than crack and crumble, in an earthquake).

Anyway, my point is that I really like all these noises. Occasionally they are annoying, and I don't doubt that they'd be far more annoying if I weren't such a heavy sleeper. But I am, and it makes me feel connected to the city to constantly hear it outside. It also reminds me of India a little bit, which was an even noisier place. That was one of the first things I noticed when I got to my ma's house in Bakersfield: everything was so quiet (that's the suburbs for you, I guess).

I think I had a dream last night that I was back in India. The only thing I remember about it was that I had to go to the bathroom, and I couldn't find one. And I remember being glad to be back there. I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. Those dreams are interesting because he'll go back and forth from being dead to being alive in the same dream. Oh, and in the most recent one I had, there was a big cockroach at his house, and it had a BMW logo on it (a little metal disc, just like on the car only tiny). I stepped on it and killed it.

Hopefully my next post will be more lively. But there was something vaguely therapeutic about writing this one, and no one's making you read it, so what am I apologizing for? I'm having a lousy day, so just deal with it people! =)


nathan said...


I hope today goes better for you! If having something to do might make you feel better, SFMoMA is free for college students this Thursday from 6:00 - 8:45...

Tiffster said...

I had a shitty couple of days a few weeks ago, I did not want to anything I also was mad at the world so don't feel bad we all go through it.

Warm and fuzzy!!!

Anonymous said...

i read your post today (well, two-days-ago's post, which i read today), and while i'm sorry you're having a shitty time (or were...hopefully better now?) i'm actually comforted to know i'm not the only mopey one. i've been feeling "out of it" (to borrow a phrase from jenny) myself for the last few days. i guess that's just life and fluctuating brain chemistry, huh? i don't like it though, it makes me feel weird. hope you, me, and tiffster are feeling better soon.

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