Well, I made it through Friday the 13th unscathed. I don't normally suffer from paraskavedekatriaphobia, but the last Friday the 13th, which was in January, was the day I got that call in Paris from my brother informing me that my dad was circling the drain (I know, I shouldn't talk that way, but my dad was not one for polite euphemisms, so I feel that I'm honoring his memory by being somewhat crass). So I was a little paranoid, but nothing bad happened. Well, not to me. Sadly, McDreamy's cat Rain passed away last night. She was 24 years old (that's 175 in people years, kids) so it's not exactly shocking, but unfortunate nonetheless. Derek and I are going to hang tonight and play some games (I expect with his roommate as well), so hopefully we can cheer him up a bit.
I've been putting this off a bit for fear that this blog has some kind of jinxing quality, but I should get around to mentioning that there's a new boy, who shall be known as Dr. Wonderfulpants, Esq. (or DWE, if you prefer). We've been on a few dates now and so far, so good. Very good, in fact. It's kinda freaking me out. He's very funny and intelligent (not to mention handsome as all get-out, with the requisite big nose), and he's incredibly nice to me. He's also very chivalrous, and he rarely lets me pay for anything, which is incredibly sweet insofar as it involves him being generous and treating me really well, but you know how I feel about gender roles and gender equality, so there's an extent to which I find it mildly troublesome. For example, last night we were waiting for the N train, and, as usual, I had not dressed sufficiently for the cold (layered tank tops and a cardigan), so I was hugging him to keep warm, and he took off his jacket and put it on me. Very kind and thoughtful, yes. But why should he suffer because I'm too stupid to stick my head out the window of my apartment and figure out that it's cold outside before I get dressed? On the other hand, he did it of his own accord, and I don't like it when people refuse the nice things that I try to do for them, so I guess I should just go with it. And the part about paying for stuff he justifies by saying that he has a good job and I'm a poor grad student, which is true. I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to turn into one of those awful women that just expects a guy to do everything for her and pay for everything; however, that seems unlikely. Besides, I do plenty of nice things for him too, and I am generally in favor of people being kind to one another and acknowledging that sometimes it just makes sense to accept another person's help. (This point was made clear to me about 6 years ago when I lived in that hole of a studio with J-M, and I was taking laundry to Stevie's place at the infamous Frank Estates. My laundry basket was really full and really heavy, and as I struggled down the stairs with it, Stevie offered to carry it. No, I've got it, I said, because I believe in self-sufficiency. So after watching me struggle for a while longer, frustrated, he just took it from me, and with his genetically-bestowed upper body strength carried it the rest of the way to the car with little effort.)
I ought to be getting some school work done or perusing the Financial Times, but since I was a good girl and read my journal articles yesterday, and we're scheduled to do econometrics tomorrow, I think I'm going to take a bit of a nap now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
When I read the title of the blog, I thought you meant that gender roles had also died. It momentarily made the rest of the entry a bit confusing. I wish I were dating someone with money -- maybe then Signore Complicato would cross the big, blue wet thing and visit me. Feminism be damned, we deserve to be treated well! Honestly, though, I think that him doing things for you or buying things or giving you his coat shows politeness and respect for you, not that he's asserting his masculine authority. In fact, I find chivalrous behavior attractive because it demonstrates a level of politesse and caring that extends beyond the self. But that's just me.
i fixed the title. thank you for pointing out the obvious confusingness of it. anyway, i do agree with you about chivalrous acts showing respect and caring, which is a thing i think people should show. i think i should just stop thinking of it as chivalry and just start thinking of it as him being a kind and caring guy. more or less all of my previous love interests have done generous, caring, selfless things for me, but they didn't give me pause because they often weren't stereotypically "chivalrous" things. and of course i've done kind and generous things for these guys in return, and some of them have also fit nicely into a gender stereotype, like cooking meals or washing something for them. but i didn't do it because i felt obligated to fill some role; i did it because i could and i wanted to. i guess as long as people feel free to express their generousity and respect in whatever way they wish, i'm all good with it.
i am, for example, of the firm belief that unless you are going on a long-ass trip (say to paris for a year?) you should be able to carry all of your luggage on your own. but on the other hand, you shouldn't prevent someone from helping you just to prove your self-sufficiency. after all, even worse than being one of those women who expects everything to be paid for and carried for her is to be one of those women who gets annoyed if the guy tries to pay or carry. you may recall one of my exes who was particularly opposed to assisting women with the carrying or holding of items. he told me that he had once known a girl that actually got mad at him for trying to help her with luggage (or something, i forget the details), and as a result, he wouldn't hold my coat for me for 2 minutes while i went to the bathroom at the mall (i had several other things in my hand...it wasn't like i asked him to hold my purse). anyway, he just came off looking like a jerk, when he was no doubt just utterly muddled by feminism gone terribly awry (some of you will argue that no, he really was a jerk...i lean toward the explanation that he was just very easily muddled...).
Jenn:
I agree with you about being able to carry your own luggage. Even if you can afford to "carry your own luggage" by proxy.
Also -- I'm interested in the woman who attacked your ex for trying to help with luggage. I'm sure her intentions were well-founded, but her approach to the problem missed its mark.
The problem with "chivalry" (in the sense we're using it here) isn't the act in itself, but the social construction of gender it implies. Taken as a semiotic action (that is, as an action with a symbolic value, such as is embodied in codes of chivalry), it implies, and arguably enforces, the "traditional" construction of femininity as "weakness," where this term is understood all its possible registers (= passivity, powerlessness, etc.). Holding a door for a woman (or helping her with her luggage) in a "chivalrous" way has the effect of "putting her in her place."
But not everything operates on the semiotic field; and attacking someone for doing something that could potentially have a symbolic meaning only attacks a symptom of the problem. It does nothing to rectify the patriarchial structural forces that, in fact (and even today) construct femininity as a weakness or a lack. Furthermore, the individual who behaves "chivalrously" -- that is, who holds the door (or whatever) because he believes women to be characterized primarily by lack -- is himself a symptom of patriarchy; arguably, it's better to treat him as such, as he won't likely be changed, barring a deeply significant experience contrary to his bigotted notions.
Furthermore, the question of whether the same act (i.e., that of helping) should be interpreted as a "chivalrous"/patriarchial one, or as a selfless one (i.e., one that would be performed regardless of gender, and that therefore cannot rightly be treated as patriatchial) remains. But if someone asks for help, refusing seems symptomatic of a fear of feminists, likely instilled by the woman who scolded your ex. Had she explained her concern with patriarchial manifestations of gender construction more clearly, she could have educated him, instead of leaving him muddled.
I think there's so much anger, disrespect, and violence in our socity, we should all make an extra effort to be caring and polite to the people around us. And we should be gracious to those who wish to extend a curtesy to us.
You can never really know what someone's intentions are, you can only judge their behavior.
Maybe by putting his jacket around you he was marking his territory and showing any other males in the area that you belonged to him. Or maybe you seemed to be cold, and he wanted you to be warm. You can debate the issue... or you can say "Thank you." :)
As for Mr. Pants - he was a jerk and not too bright. I'm not convinced he was upholding a feminist tennant any more than he was being a lazy-ass who just didn't want to have to hold anything.
n- my ex (the "mr. pants" to which rebel refers) would not have understood about 15 of the words you used in your comment, which goes a long way toward explaining why he interpreted whatever the woman said to him in the extreme, simple-minded way he did. not too bright, indeed. but he tried in many other ways to be a nice guy, and i don't wish to defame him further, so we'll leave it at that. he has a live-in girlfriend now and presumably she happily holds her own coat.
the underlying gender constructs that might be implied by "chivalry" are, i think, the very source of my uncertainty about accepting chivalrous acts. in the case of DWE, i'm fairly certain that he doesn't think women are weak or lacking. i think he just adopted this behavior at some point as a way of expressing respect and fondness toward women (especially whatever specific woman he is trying to woo). and i've made it clear to him that his behavior is appreciated but not expected or required. but if other people see him carrying my luggage or me wearing his coat, am a perpetuating the underlying social construct that women are weak and men have an obligation to help them? (incidentally, it's really the second part of that construct, that men have the obligation, that bothers me. if some guy thinks i'm weak, i don't much care, because his perceptions don't change my ability to carry my own luggage, use a variety of power tools, change a flat tire, read a map, do complex math problems, open jars, carry furniture, etc.)
rebel- no one else was around when he put his coat on me, so he probably wasn't trying to mark me as his territory. and i told him that i was hugging him because i was a little cold, and though at first i politely protested, i did accept the coat and thank him. to be honest, i think part of my thing is that i've never dated a "chivalrous" guy, and i secretly really love it, and then i feel guilty for loving it. i suppose as long as i continue to be generous and giving toward him in my own ways, then there's nothing much to worry about.
Post a Comment