I'm on the fence about how appropriate it is to discuss the problems in my relationship with DWE on my blog, but as usual, I seem to be erring on the side of blabbermouthy-ness. It's not like I'm saying anything that I haven't said to him or wouldn't want him to read (he does occasionally look at this blog, so I guess he might read it).
Anyway, when I talked to him on Sunday afternoon, he said that he didn't want to call me when he woke up from his sleep on the couch because he didn't want to wake me up in case I was asleep (at midnight on a Saturday night, because apparently he thinks I'm as lame as he is), and also because he wanted to go straight to bed. I told him that I wasn't asleep, and that if I had been, I would not have been mad. And then I suggested that he consider the number of times that I'd gotten mad at him for calling and waking me up (none, although he's done it a few times in the morning) versus the number of times I've gotten mad at him for not calling (numerous, to say the least). In his defense, if he had called, it would probably not have been the 45-second conversation that he was hoping for, because I would have wanted to blab for at least 5 minutes or so. If he were a more conniving sort, he would call, experience the annoyance of not being able to get me off the phone for 5 or 10 minutes, and then throw that experience back in my face the next time I get mad at him for not calling before he goes to bed. But he's all reasonable and practical, and he doesn't want to prove a point or show that I'm wrong, he just wants to get some sleep.
So yeah, I was overreacting a bit. But it's also very true that the standards for him calling are different because he's gone so much. The phone calls average out to an amount of communication with which I am happy, because there are always a few nights a week like last night where we talk for a good hour or so. And if I imagine how I feel when he does call and wake me up in the morning (not mad, but not much like talking to him, either), it is slightly easier to understand how he could ever not feel like talking to me.
I guess the bottom line is that the logistics of what is essentially a semi-long-distance relationship are difficult, DWE is highly imperfect despite good intentions, and I seem to be particularly needy these days. And of course I should try not to lose sight of how wonderful he is and how hard he tries to make me happy. Nor should I lose sight of the fact that I have lots of wonderful and supportive friends who will tell me that I'm right (very true), that I'm kinda overreacting (also very true), and answer the phone when I call.
In other news, I actually managed to get up before 10 a.m. this morning. Maybe eventually I can have a real life in the mornings before I go to work. I guess coffee and a blog entry are a start.
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7 comments:
Yeah, I think you can call into effect the 60/40 rule here. As long as you're getting what you want at least 60% of the time, call it good. No one is going to be 100% perfect.
when i read the headline, i thought "oh no!" i thought you meant the relationship was going to come apart, not that you were going to analyze it...
rebel, i like that advice. when i read it i was having my own relationship frustration (around my expectations of matt with regard to otis, and his subsequent frustration around real and/or imagined guilt trips). as soon as i digested it's meaning i felt a lot less tense. it was like taking a deep breath and seeing clearly again. thanks!
well, you know... those who can't do, give advice.
it seems to be a good principle for being happy with life in general.
Yeah, I like the 60/40 idea quite a bit. But it's tricky with DWE, because I don't like it when he's out of town all the time, and in my ideal world he'd travel quite a bit less (but he'd still travel--maybe once a month for 4 or 5 days at a time--because I do like that built in "me" time). But I'm also really used to him being gone, so although I miss him, I usually don't feel annoyed that he's not around. So should that count in the 40%?
I guess it should only count when I'm truly annoyed by his absence. And since he has little control over his travel schedule, I suppose it doesn't make sense for me to get too frustrated with him about it.
Untrue. You can get annoyed by his travel schedule because a). he chose his job and b). he chose to devote himself completely to that job. Now, you don't want him to quit that job (right?) so you just have to deal with that annoyance without taking it out on him. I know you're frustrated, but I also saw how happy you were. I think that counts for way more than 60%....
Spoken like a woman who just had a transatlantic booty call. ;)
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